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Comedians (page 36)
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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"She has a wash and wear bridal gown"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas!"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - They have no holidays"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'!"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"We want to get people laughing; we don't want to offend anybody"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"We rest our case on the production numbers"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"Life literally abounds in comedy, if you just look around you"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none!"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"I only direct in self-defense"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"I don't believe in this business of being behind, better to be in front"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
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