Famous quotes by Comedians

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed, thanks to television"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in World War Eleven"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"Never floss with a stranger"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth, he forgot to cut the cord. For a year, that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up who?"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready?"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"You have a nice personality, but not for a human being"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering!"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it!"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"She has a wash and wear bridal gown"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

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