Famous quotes by Comedians

"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"Actually, my CD was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I was with this girl the other night, and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"In our school, you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in, and if you didn't have any, they gave you some"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper?"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: stuff you pay good money for in later life"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks!"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks!"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote"

Emo Philips, Comedian

"You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

"We want to get people laughing; we don't want to offend anybody"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

"We rest our case on the production numbers"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

"Life literally abounds in comedy, if you just look around you"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

"If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none!"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

"I only direct in self-defense"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

"I don't believe in this business of being behind, better to be in front"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

"He who hesitates is poor"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

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