Famous quotes by Comedians

"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there"

Fred Allen, Comedian

"Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars"

Fred Allen, Comedian

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized"

Fred Allen, Comedian

"Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great"

Fred Allen, Comedian

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted"

Fred Allen, Comedian

"Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year"

Fred Allen, Comedian

"An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer"

Fred Allen, Comedian

"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything"

Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian

"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me"

Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian

"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving"

Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.""

Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian

"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to"

Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian

"I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive"

Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian

"Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us"

Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking"

Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"My cooking is so bad, my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

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