Famous quotes by Comedians

"I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away!"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"His finest hour lasted a minute and a half"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose!"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior""

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be!"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

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