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Comedians (page 4)
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"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town"
George Carlin, Comedian
"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"The thinner the ice, the more anxious is everyone to see whether it will bear"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"Christ, seven years of college, down the drain"
John Belushi, Comedian
"I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside"
Ken Dodd, Comedian
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Women should be obscene and not heard"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization"
George Carlin, Comedian
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark"
George Carlin, Comedian
"I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"I drink, therefore I am"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... Look at the platypus"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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