Famous quotes by Comedians

"Progress was all right. Only it went on too long"

James Thurber, Comedian

"Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation"

James Thurber, Comedian

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons"

James Thurber, Comedian

"All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first"

James Thurber, Comedian

"Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more"

James Thurber, Comedian

"Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness"

James Thurber, Comedian

"You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first, because writing is what you do when you are ready, and acting is what you do when someone else is ready"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks!"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an Arctic wilderness"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be"

Steve Martin, Comedian

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from'"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking, please?' And a voice said 'You are'"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"An actor shouldn't undergo psychoanalysis, because there are a lot of things you're better off not knowing"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"My father was adamant in his disapproval of my interest in show business"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"If I'm not working, I don't know what to do"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I was obsessed with being rich and famous"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I have this beautiful antique silver wine decanter that I bought at an auction. I always pour wine from that"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"Black beauty - he's a dark horse"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"I love acting, but it's all just a bonus"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it's not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or the tables, for that matter"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

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