Famous quotes by Comedians

"Mothers don't want to pinch me or put me in their purse"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"Food was a constant topic of conversation in our household"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet'"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"My following is straight. I'm so glad"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"Learning lines is on my mind until I do know them. I'll read the paper or paint the house to keep from starting to memorize. I've never found an easy way"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I wish I had the nerve not to tip"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I think basically an actor is a salesman"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I often go on a liquid fast a couple of days a week. I never take just water. Instead, I'll have maybe six glasses of vegetable and fruit juices a day"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I don't understand why people don't remember my name"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"A room is like a stage. If you see it without lighting, it can be the coldest place in the world"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"You see, I'm against hunting, in fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke"

Tim Vine, Comedian

"The dining room in my old house was truly magnificent, but by far the worst room for conversation. I'd get up from the table, a very long table, and somebody would always say, Paul, I never got to talk to you"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"If I hadn't become a celebrity, I'd probably be an alcoholic"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I may find something that looks interesting and then go on to alter the recipe by adding spices, things of my own. I also look for time-saving recipes, dishes that can be prepared ahead and stored"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I feel now it's useless to keep hoping. The way things are today, we live in a world that needs laughter, and I've decided if I can make people laugh, I'm making a more important contribution"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"It was the worst moment of my life. The producer came up and talked me back into going on stage"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I'm Liberace without a piano"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"My dad was a ham, too. He could sell those women anything. Of all his sons, I was the only one he could trust to sell as well as he could. I was proud of that"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I have an ulcer. It has an IQ of 185"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I don't always prepare such rich meals. Sometimes I'll just serve a simple quiche, salad and dessert for dinner. During the week I try to eat lightly"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I laughed all the way through Love Story"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

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