Famous quotes by Comedians

"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'Huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'This is nice!'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'!"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"Another term for balloon is bad breath holder"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

"It's all false pressure; you put the heat on yourself; you get it from the networks and record companies and movie studios. You put more pressure on yourself to make everything that much harder"

John Belushi, Comedian

"I give so much pleasure to so many people. Why can I not get some pleasure for myself?"

John Belushi, Comedian

"There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"Even nowadays, a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"In a house where there are small children, the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

"So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!"

Eddie Izzard, Comedian

"Work is no longer challenging"

John Belushi, Comedian

"I guess happiness is not a state you want to be in all the time"

John Belushi, Comedian

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