Famous quotes by Comedians

"I'd probably want to teach at university, because children would drive me insane. I suspect it would be English literature, Shakespeare and so forth. I've always been deeply, deeply in love with that kind of thing"

Stephen Fry, Comedian

"I think the fact that I'm so well known to be gay makes it very difficult to have a convincing relationship with a woman on screen. It wouldn't be at all difficult for me to kiss a woman - I'll kiss a frog if you like"

Stephen Fry, Comedian

"I get an urge, like a pregnant elephant, to go away and give birth to a book"

Stephen Fry, Comedian

"As someone who worked hard for a Labour victory in the 90s, do I regret it? Not really. It was bound to happen. And it'll happen with the next government, and the one after it. Because all governments serve us. They serve the filth"

Stephen Fry, Comedian

"It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue"

Stephen Fry, Comedian

"I have pushed the boat out as far as I should in terms of taking on too many things. I'm getting older and I just could not take it any more. I am now monitoring myself very closely and I'm just trying not to get into that sort of state again"

Stephen Fry, Comedian

"But if one could go back in time, I'd love to have been directed by Howard Hawks, who's one of my great heroes. One of the greatest directors there ever was. He directed probably one of the greatest Westerns of all time in Rio Bravo"

Stephen Fry, Comedian

"But happiness is no respecter of persons"

Stephen Fry, Comedian

"Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good ol' days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin!"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?"

Jay Leno, Comedian

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