Famous quotes by Comedians

"For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"You're not famous until my mother has heard of you"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate"

Jay Leno, Comedian

"You can only offend me if you mean something to me"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to s***. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f****** peanut allergy?"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"You don't pay taxes - they take taxes"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"George Bush hates midgets"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the Final Four"

Chris Rock, Comedian

"You know I've got a chum, a smashing mate, he's got a dog with no legs, and he calls it a cigarette. It's true, yeah, because at nighttime he has to take it out for a drag"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

"Well, if I was going to describe my audience, it's going to take longer than you'd ever expect, hundreds of years in fact, because there's many of them, all over the world"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

"Of course I've done musicals here in London"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

"In fact, one was so booked out we went from March and were to go till November, but the pantomime was booked so they transferred the show to the Prince of Wales Theatre because it was so packed out, and it ran on from there"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

"I've got one idea I want to do for a film, and you know, I just enjoy myself doing bits and pieces"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

"I've done seven shows at the Palladium - long running shows I'm talking about"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

"I've been extremely lucky, having been in the army when I was a boy of fourteen"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

"I've an idea for doing a Situation Comedy myself but it's always difficult to get people to listen to you because they like to put their own ideas forward"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

"I've always had a sense of humour, and I still do, so I just want to go on performing as long as I can. It's as simple as that"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

"I'm still constantly thinking of ideas. I don't feel 90. I think I'm about 12"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

"I was in the band as a boy and was taught music and learned to compose"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

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