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Comedians (page 5)
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"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.'- Except at a funeral"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
"In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think"
Milton Berle, Comedian
"Such is life, and life is such, and after all it isn't much. First a cradle. Then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse"
Norman Wisdom, Comedian
"Monty Python crowd; half of them came from Cambridge, and half of them came from Oxford. But, there seems to be this jewel, this sort of two headed tradition of doing comedy, of doing sketches, and that kind of thing"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
"My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand"
Damon Wayans, Comedian
"Nobody can stop you but you. And shame on you if you're the one who stops yourself"
Damon Wayans, Comedian
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand"
Benny Hill, Comedian
"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil"
Patton Oswalt, Comedian
"If she were a president, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln!"
Dana Carvey, Comedian
"Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'"
Joey Adams, Comedian
"I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not"
Chevy Chase, Comedian
"Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. 'How are you' is a greeting, not a question"
Arthur Guiterman, Comedian
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans"
George Carlin, Comedian
"Some people see things that are and ask why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that"
George Carlin, Comedian
"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood"
George Carlin, Comedian
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose"
George Carlin, Comedian
"Always do whatever's next"
George Carlin, Comedian
"If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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