Famous quotes by Comedians

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization"

George Carlin, Comedian

George Carlin

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark"

George Carlin, Comedian

George Carlin

"I drink, therefore I am"

W. C. Fields, Comedian

W. C. Fields

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people"

W. C. Fields, Comedian

W. C. Fields

"I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality"

Bob Hope, Comedian

Bob Hope

"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong"

Bob Hope, Comedian

Bob Hope

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"

Robin Williams, Comedian

Robin Williams

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... Look at the platypus"

Robin Williams, Comedian

Robin Williams

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

Mitch Hedberg

"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

Mitch Hedberg

"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well"

Josh Billings, Comedian

Josh Billings

"Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at"

Josh Billings, Comedian

Josh Billings

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me"

Fred Allen, Comedian

Fred Allen

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult"

Rita Rudner, Comedian

Rita Rudner

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think"

Milton Berle, Comedian

"In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

Robert Benchley

"Such is life, and life is such, and after all it isn't much. First a cradle. Then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse"

Norman Wisdom, Comedian

"Nobody can stop you but you. And shame on you if you're the one who stops yourself"

Damon Wayans, Comedian

"Monty Python crowd; half of them came from Cambridge, and half of them came from Oxford. But, there seems to be this jewel, this sort of two headed tradition of doing comedy, of doing sketches, and that kind of thing"

Rowan Atkinson, Comedian

"It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got Saran Wrap - fix it!"

Lewis Black, Comedian

"If she were a president, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln!"

Dana Carvey, Comedian

Dana Carvey

"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil"

Patton Oswalt, Comedian

Patton Oswalt

"I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not"

Chevy Chase, Comedian

"Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'"

Joey Adams, Comedian

"Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. 'How are you' is a greeting, not a question"

Arthur Guiterman, Comedian

Arthur Guiterman

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