Famous quotes by Comedians

"Do unto others, then run"

Benny Hill, Comedian

"There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"I drink to forget I drink"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"Health care does not worry me a great deal. I've been impressed by some wonderful old people"

Graham Chapman, Comedian

"I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I, in reality, was five or ten minutes later to every recording session"

Garry Shandling, Comedian

"They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified"

Graham Chapman, Comedian

"Stormy in love, stormy in interviews, breakfast in bed - that's me, love"

Graham Chapman, Comedian

"It's nice to see that look of alarm on the faces of the others"

Graham Chapman, Comedian

"But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone"

Garry Shandling, Comedian

"No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney"

David Letterman, Comedian

"It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?"

David Letterman, Comedian

"The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong"

David Letterman, Comedian

"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger"

David Letterman, Comedian

"It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said"

David Letterman, Comedian

"Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?"

David Letterman, Comedian

"Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives"

David Letterman, Comedian

"You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around, I would have taken General Custer and given points"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it"

Garry Shandling, Comedian

"Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship"

Garry Shandling, Comedian

"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"We can afford almost any mistake once"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on"

Joe E. Lewis, Comedian

"All ideas come about through some sort of observation. It sparks an attitude; some object or emotion causes a reaction in the other person"

Graham Chapman, Comedian

"You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it's curious that they don't do it. They would each have to be asked the reason why they don't"

Garry Shandling, Comedian

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