Famous quotes by Comedians

"I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right"

Garry Shandling, Comedian

"Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids, I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids"

Garry Shandling, Comedian

"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts"

David Letterman, Comedian

"I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious"

David Letterman, Comedian

"Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water"

David Letterman, Comedian

"Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?"

David Letterman, Comedian

"Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly, they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard"

David Letterman, Comedian

"I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments"

David Letterman, Comedian

"I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red!"

David Letterman, Comedian

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence, they rolled right through Paris with the German flag!"

David Letterman, Comedian

"President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?"

David Letterman, Comedian

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either"

David Letterman, Comedian

"New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move"

David Letterman, Comedian

"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host?"

David Letterman, Comedian

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel!"

David Letterman, Comedian

"Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed"

David Letterman, Comedian

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton"

David Letterman, Comedian

"We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets"

David Letterman, Comedian

"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population"

David Letterman, Comedian

"The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves"

David Letterman, Comedian

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral"

David Letterman, Comedian

"New York... When civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you"

David Letterman, Comedian

"Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno"

David Letterman, Comedian

"When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both"

Al Franken, Comedian

"When the president during the campaign said he was against nation building, I didn't realize he meant our nation"

Al Franken, Comedian

"Well, I think that there's a value to comedy in and of itself"

Al Franken, Comedian

"Well, a lot of politics is communicating with people, and obviously comedy has something to do with that. I've been a producer and led people. Also, being a comedian, you're under pressure"

Al Franken, Comedian

"We need to be pro-science; we have to go back to science"

Al Franken, Comedian

"To make the argument that the media has a left- or right-wing, or a liberal or a conservative bias, is like asking if the problem with Al-Qaeda is: do they use too much oil in their hummus?"

Al Franken, Comedian

"The thing that interests me least about the radio business is the radio business. But I've had to learn a little bit about it. It's not rocket science: You get ratings, that's good"

Al Franken, Comedian

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