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Comedians (page 6)
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"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"I remixed a remix, it was back to normal"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight"
Phyllis Diller, Comedian
"Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out'"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world"
Lucille Ball, Comedian
"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers"
James Thurber, Comedian
"Well, excuuuuuse me!"
Steve Martin, Comedian
"Love is a promise delivered already broken"
Steve Martin, Comedian
"Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!"
Steve Martin, Comedian
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night"
Steve Martin, Comedian
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice"
Tim Vine, Comedian
"I was reading a book... 'The History of Glue' - I couldn't put it down"
Tim Vine, Comedian
"So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays'"
Tim Vine, Comedian
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
"Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
"Personally, I'd never seen a graphic novel. I knew they existed because friends of mine, like Jonathan Ross, collect them and some very literate and intelligent people really rate the graphic novel as a form"
Stephen Fry, Comedian
"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare"
Mike Myers, Comedian
"It is so cold out there, my head nearly fell off"
Mark McKinney, Comedian
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either"
Jack Benny, Comedian
"It's important to have the right agent - people that are working hard for you. But an actor needs to be in control of their career no matter how good the representation is"
Joel McHale, Comedian
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