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Comedians (page 7)
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"I'm officially middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore, thank God. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast"
Jonathan Katz, Comedian
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Room service? Send up a larger room"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Humor is reason gone mad"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Go, and never darken my towels again"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live"
George Carlin, Comedian
"Electricity is really just organized lightning"
George Carlin, Comedian
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house"
George Carlin, Comedian
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!""
Robin Williams, Comedian
"I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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