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Comedians (page 8)
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"Men and women belong to different species, and communications between them is still in its infancy"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"Life is just a bowl of pits"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
"Take my wife... Please!"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
"Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing"
Phyllis Diller, Comedian
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done"
Lucille Ball, Comedian
"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old"
George Burns, Comedian
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down"
George Burns, Comedian
"If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it"
George Burns, Comedian
"So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red"
Tim Vine, Comedian
"I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
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