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Comedians (page 9)
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"I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
"That was the best ice cream soda I ever tasted"
Lou Costello, Comedian
"If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty"
Chris Rock, Comedian
"Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders"
Chris Rock, Comedian
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead"
Johnny Carson, Comedian
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect"
Benny Hill, Comedian
"My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81"
Garry Shandling, Comedian
"Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on"
Joe E. Lewis, Comedian
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me"
Garry Shandling, Comedian
"There is no off position on the genius switch"
David Letterman, Comedian
"Men are only as loyal as their options"
Bill Maher, Comedian
"I used to be indecisive, but now I am not quite sure"
Tommy Cooper, Comedian
"Latins for Republicans - it's like roaches for Raid"
John Leguizamo, Comedian
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate"
Jo Brand, Comedian
"Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected"
Red Buttons, Comedian
"All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911"
Lewis Black, Comedian
"Times are hard and friends are few"
Paul O'Grady, Comedian
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal, Comedian
"If you put garbage in a computer, nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it"
Rory Bremner, Comedian
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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