Famous quotes by Comedians

"Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius"

Josh Billings, Comedian

Josh Billings

"If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself"

Josh Billings, Comedian

Josh Billings

"My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield

"I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a sling shot"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife was afraid of the dark... Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield

"Life is just a bowl of pits"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet"

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian

Rodney Dangerfield

"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge"

Spike Milligan, Comedian

Spike Milligan

"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string"

Spike Milligan, Comedian

Spike Milligan

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"Take my wife... Please!"

Henny Youngman, Comedian

Henny Youngman

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him"

Emo Philips, Comedian

Emo Philips

"Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

Mel Brooks

"Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done"

Fred Allen, Comedian

Fred Allen

"If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do"

Lucille Ball, Comedian

Lucille Ball

"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"

Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian

Jerry Seinfeld

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law"

Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian

Jerry Seinfeld

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing"

Phyllis Diller, Comedian

Phyllis Diller

"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old"

George Burns, Comedian

George Burns

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible"

George Burns, Comedian

George Burns

"You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made"

George Burns, Comedian

George Burns

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down"

George Burns, Comedian

George Burns

"If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it"

George Burns, Comedian

George Burns

"So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red"

Tim Vine, Comedian

Tim Vine

"Now, you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds"

Tim Vine, Comedian

Tim Vine

"I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

Demetri Martin

"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy"

Demetri Martin, Comedian

Demetri Martin

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

Robert Benchley

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well"

Robert Benchley, Comedian

Robert Benchley

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