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Famous quotes by Comedians

Small: A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked
"A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked"
Jay London, Comedian
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Small: I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time
"I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time"
Jay London, Comedian
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Small: Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream
"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven confess them to man and you will be laughed at
Josh Billings
"Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at"
Josh Billings, Comedian
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Small: All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why
"All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why"
James Thurber, Comedian
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Small: There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures
"There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures"
James Thurber, Comedian
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Small: Its a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think youll be amused by its presumption
"It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption"
James Thurber, Comedian
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Small: If women ran the world we wouldnt have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days
Robin Williams
"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days"
Robin Williams, Comedian
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Small: Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason
Robin Williams
"Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason"
Robin Williams, Comedian
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Small: I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
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Small: I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and s
"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
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Small: Congress: Bingo with billions
"Congress: Bingo with billions"
Red Skelton, Comedian
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Small: Money cant buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery
"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
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Small: Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello
"Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello"
Red Buttons, Comedian
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Small: There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain a
Graham Chapman
"There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount"
Graham Chapman, Comedian
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Small: Just because nobody complains doesnt mean all parachutes are perfect
"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect"
Benny Hill, Comedian
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Small: Talking about music is like dancing about architecture
"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture"
Steve Martin, Comedian
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Small: Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does
Groucho Marx
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Ive had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasnt it
Groucho Marx
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is
Groucho Marx
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: A mans only as old as the woman he feels
Groucho Marx
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Women should be obscene and not heard
Groucho Marx
"Women should be obscene and not heard"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Those are my principles, and if you dont like them... well, I have others
Groucho Marx
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: I must confess, I was born at a very early age
Groucho Marx
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: I grew up with six brothers. Thats how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom
Bob Hope
"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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Small: The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast
Bob Hope
"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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Small: Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait"
A. Whitney Brown, Comedian
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Small: A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They shou
"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer"
A. Whitney Brown, Comedian
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Small: The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it
Bill Cosby
"The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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