"Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago"
"Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on"
"Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly"
"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public"
"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not"
"It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously"
"I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them"
"Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man"
"Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats"
"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard"
"The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom"
"The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught"
"Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them"
"I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense"
"Don't overestimate the decency of the human race"
"It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods"
"I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk"
"Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable"
"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart"
"It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office"
"We must be willing to pay a price for freedom"
"Time stays, we go"
"There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good"
"One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring"
"A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable"
"A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank"
"A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas"
"A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground"
"A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier"
"A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in"
"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married"
"A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them"
"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers"
"A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar"
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin"
"A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there"
"A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman"
"Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love"
"Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience"
"Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it"
"Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest"
"When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands"
"When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before"
"What men value in this world is not rights but privileges"
"Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband"
"There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor"
"An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup"
"All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it"
"All government, of course, is against liberty"
"Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil"
