"Adultery is the application of democracy to love"
"A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents"
"I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone"
"Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient"
"Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what sting is justice"
"In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one"
"In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican"
"It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf"
"It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place"
"It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man"
"It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man"
"Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends"
"Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies"
"Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it"
"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too"
"As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft"
"Criticism is prejudice made plausible"
"For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end"
"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong"
"For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing"
"Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time"
"I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time"
"Historian: an unsuccessful novelist"
"Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates"
