Dave Barry the Author, biography, facts and quotes

"Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column"

"There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary"

"The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice"

"To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent"

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl"

"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories"

"I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems"

"I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care"

"I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War"

"I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford"

"I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer"

"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it"

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate"

"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail"

"We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin"

"We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires"

"Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough"

"The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat"

"It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money"

"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death"

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet"

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates"

"Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship"

"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night"

"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland"

"If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word"

"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"

"If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry"

"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula"

"And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West"

"American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it"

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing"

"Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print"

"Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?"

"Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically"

"Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects"

"Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep"

"For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball"

"Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting"

"Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything"

"'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'"

"Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling"

"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear"

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business"

"Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions"

"Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes"

"Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down"

"Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro"

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature"

Occup.	Author
From	USA
Born	July 3, 1947
Age	77 years

Dave Barry Biography

68 Famous quotes by Dave Barry