Inspiring Quotes by Steven Wright - Page 2

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"I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list"

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol"

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums"

"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing!"

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen?"

"So, do you live around here often?"

"I bought some instant water one time, but I didn't know what to add to it"

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving"

"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant"

"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator"

"When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually"

"When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?"

"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time"

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

"My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out"

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter"

"I invented the cordless extension cord"

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone"

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out"

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it!"

"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night?"

"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast"

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny"

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot"

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators"

"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"

"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country"

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

"At one point, he decided enough was enough"

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