"Between friends differences in taste or opinion are irritating in direct proportion to their triviality"
About this Quote
Auden nails a small, vicious truth about intimacy: the closer you are, the less you can tolerate the petty stuff. Big disagreements have structure. They can be argued, moralized, even respected. Trivial differences, though, don’t rise to the dignity of principle, so they land as pure friction - a nagging reminder that the person you like is still stubbornly, inexplicably not you.
The line works because it inverts our usual calculus. We assume serious issues strain friendships; Auden suggests the opposite. “Direct proportion” sounds almost clinical, as if he’s offering a law of social physics. That cool phrasing is the joke and the sting: your irritation is not noble, not ideological, just a predictable reflex triggered by something as stupid as how someone butters toast, pronounces a word, orders at a restaurant, or reads a poem “wrong.”
Subtextually, he’s diagnosing the ego’s hidden demands inside friendship. We want friends to confirm our tastes because taste is identity with the volume turned down. When a friend diverges on something “trivial,” it threatens that quiet self-story. Their preference feels like a tiny veto: you’re not the default setting. Auden, who wrote amid the 20th century’s loud political crises, is also pointing to a darker irony. We can coexist with enormous public contradictions while privately seething over the small ones - because the small ones happen in the tender arena where we expect harmony and get reality instead.
The line works because it inverts our usual calculus. We assume serious issues strain friendships; Auden suggests the opposite. “Direct proportion” sounds almost clinical, as if he’s offering a law of social physics. That cool phrasing is the joke and the sting: your irritation is not noble, not ideological, just a predictable reflex triggered by something as stupid as how someone butters toast, pronounces a word, orders at a restaurant, or reads a poem “wrong.”
Subtextually, he’s diagnosing the ego’s hidden demands inside friendship. We want friends to confirm our tastes because taste is identity with the volume turned down. When a friend diverges on something “trivial,” it threatens that quiet self-story. Their preference feels like a tiny veto: you’re not the default setting. Auden, who wrote amid the 20th century’s loud political crises, is also pointing to a darker irony. We can coexist with enormous public contradictions while privately seething over the small ones - because the small ones happen in the tender arena where we expect harmony and get reality instead.
Quote Details
| Topic | Friendship |
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