"I have withstood the power of convictions a long time; and therefore I fear I shall be finally left of God"

David Brainerd's quote, "I have actually endured the power of convictions a long period of time; and for that reason I fear I shall be finally left of God", shows a deep inner battle that numerous individuals experience in their spiritual journey. Brainerd, an 18th-century missionary understood for his work amongst Native American tribes and his deep individual piety, frequently faced feelings of spiritual insufficiency, and this quote encapsulates that torment.

The phrase "held up against the power of convictions" suggests Brainerd's awareness of ethical and spiritual facts that, for a prolonged duration, he has resisted or disregarded. This resistance suggests an inner conflict where he recognizes what is best or what is calling him toward a deeper faith, yet he is not able to fully welcome or act upon these convictions. The "power" he discusses highlights the strength of this struggle, as if these convictions have a consistent and engaging force of their own, yet he has actually resisted their influence.

His subsequent worry of being "lastly left of God" reveals the psychological and existential weight of this resistance. There's a hidden anxiety about the repercussions of spiritual neglect-- a worry of divine desertion. This echoes a typical doctrinal concern: that relentless disobedience or indifference can result in a separation from the magnificent presence, or in spiritual terms, a state of being abandoned by God.

Brainerd's reflection can likewise be viewed as an expression of the Puritanical view of grace and salvation, highlighting human insufficiency and the earnest pursuing magnificent grace. It highlights the stress in between human free will and magnificent providence, where Brainerd fears that his continual resistance has put him beyond the reach of God's grace.

In general, this quote portrays a wholehearted battle with guilt, spiritual earnestness, and an extreme desire for reconciliation with the divine, revealing not only Brainerd's personal spiritual battles however also a universal human experience of battling with faith and the worry of magnificent judgment.