"If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said"
About this Quote
The intent is less about cruelty than about puncturing expectations. In the late-night/comedy-variety ecosystem Nealon came up in, especially on TV where everything is prepackaged and "for your convenience", the audience is trained to expect seamless access. His punchline is a tiny act of resistance against that entitlement: you want the artifact? Fine, but you participate. It’s also a sly flex of performance confidence. "Everything I said" implies there’s something worth transcribing, even as the premise makes that reverence look ridiculous.
Subtextually, it’s a miniature commentary on mediation: we keep asking for secondhand versions of an experience (the recap, the transcript, the clip) instead of just being present. Nealon turns the request into a mirror. If you care enough to preserve it, prove it. The line lands because it’s brisk, almost deadpan, and it lets the audience feel both slightly scolded and in on the scam at the same time.
Quote Details
| Topic | Witty One-Liners |
|---|---|
| Source | Help us find the source |
| Cite |
Citation Formats
APA Style (7th ed.)
Nealon, Kevin. (2026, January 16). If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said. FixQuotes. https://fixquotes.com/quotes/if-you-want-a-transcript-of-tonights-program-get-130347/
Chicago Style
Nealon, Kevin. "If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said." FixQuotes. January 16, 2026. https://fixquotes.com/quotes/if-you-want-a-transcript-of-tonights-program-get-130347/.
MLA Style (9th ed.)
"If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said." FixQuotes, 16 Jan. 2026, https://fixquotes.com/quotes/if-you-want-a-transcript-of-tonights-program-get-130347/. Accessed 13 Feb. 2026.
