"It is not what I do, it is the way I do it, that will get me in the end"
About this Quote
Anne Wilson Schaef points away from the surface of behavior and toward the underlying pattern that drives it. The act itself may look harmless, even admirable, but the style, pace, intent, and relational stance baked into the doing can carry the seed of burnout, rupture, or self-betrayal. Working late, volunteering, telling the truth, taking charge: none of these are inherently destructive. Yet done with compulsivity, perfectionism, control, or denial, they erode health and connection. What gets us in the end is not the checklist of deeds but the addictive way of moving through them.
Schaef, a therapist and author known for her critique of the addictive system in modern culture, argued that many social norms reward destructive process styles: speed over presence, performance over honesty, productivity over wholeness. Under such pressures, a person can appear successful while slowly hollowing out. The nurse who cares for everyone without boundaries, the leader who insists on results at any cost, the partner who offers help tinged with resentment or superiority: the results may impress, but the way of doing quietly corrodes trust and self-respect. Even ethical goals turn dangerous when pursued with a style that ignores limits, intimacy, and truth.
The line also reframes responsibility. Rather than defending what we did, it asks us to examine how we did it. Was there coercion or consent? Haste or care? Pretense or transparency? The answers predict the eventual outcome more reliably than the task description. Process becomes destiny; our habits of attention and intention accumulate into character, and character shapes consequence.
The invitation is to shift from fixing outcomes to tending the manner of engagement. Slow down. Tell the truth sooner. Set boundaries before resentment blooms. Let presence replace performance. When the way is clean, the doing tends to take care of itself. When the way is corrosive, even noble tasks will, sooner or later, get us in the end.
Schaef, a therapist and author known for her critique of the addictive system in modern culture, argued that many social norms reward destructive process styles: speed over presence, performance over honesty, productivity over wholeness. Under such pressures, a person can appear successful while slowly hollowing out. The nurse who cares for everyone without boundaries, the leader who insists on results at any cost, the partner who offers help tinged with resentment or superiority: the results may impress, but the way of doing quietly corrodes trust and self-respect. Even ethical goals turn dangerous when pursued with a style that ignores limits, intimacy, and truth.
The line also reframes responsibility. Rather than defending what we did, it asks us to examine how we did it. Was there coercion or consent? Haste or care? Pretense or transparency? The answers predict the eventual outcome more reliably than the task description. Process becomes destiny; our habits of attention and intention accumulate into character, and character shapes consequence.
The invitation is to shift from fixing outcomes to tending the manner of engagement. Slow down. Tell the truth sooner. Set boundaries before resentment blooms. Let presence replace performance. When the way is clean, the doing tends to take care of itself. When the way is corrosive, even noble tasks will, sooner or later, get us in the end.
Quote Details
| Topic | Wisdom |
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