"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable"
About this Quote
A perfect Quentin Crisp barb: a domestic truth dressed up as consumer complaint. By calling children "not returnable", he hijacks the language of retail - refunds, receipts, buyer's remorse - and drags it into the sanctified space of family. The joke lands because it violates a cultural rule: parenthood is supposed to be beyond calculation. Crisp treats it as a transaction, and the audacity is the point.
The intent is less anti-child than anti-sentimentality. Crisp, who made a career out of puncturing English respectability, uses a one-liner to expose how social narratives trap people. If marriage and babies are sold as the obvious life path, then the inability to "return" the purchase becomes a dark punchline about irrevocability. The laughter is nervous because it admits what polite society forbids: regret exists, and permanence can feel like a trap.
Subtext also runs through Crisp's outsider status. As an openly gay man in mid-century Britain, he lived in a world that alternately punished and patronized deviation from the family script. The line reads like a sly revenge on compulsory normalcy: you wanted the approved lifestyle? Enjoy the no-exchange policy.
Context matters: Crisp's wit is survivalist, not merely snarky. The remark carries his signature blend of elegance and cruelty - a reminder that the most destabilizing jokes don't argue. They reframe the terms so abruptly that the moral furniture of the room starts to wobble.
The intent is less anti-child than anti-sentimentality. Crisp, who made a career out of puncturing English respectability, uses a one-liner to expose how social narratives trap people. If marriage and babies are sold as the obvious life path, then the inability to "return" the purchase becomes a dark punchline about irrevocability. The laughter is nervous because it admits what polite society forbids: regret exists, and permanence can feel like a trap.
Subtext also runs through Crisp's outsider status. As an openly gay man in mid-century Britain, he lived in a world that alternately punished and patronized deviation from the family script. The line reads like a sly revenge on compulsory normalcy: you wanted the approved lifestyle? Enjoy the no-exchange policy.
Context matters: Crisp's wit is survivalist, not merely snarky. The remark carries his signature blend of elegance and cruelty - a reminder that the most destabilizing jokes don't argue. They reframe the terms so abruptly that the moral furniture of the room starts to wobble.
Quote Details
| Topic | Witty One-Liners |
|---|---|
| Source | Attributed to Quentin Crisp; cited on Wikiquote (Quentin Crisp page) as "The trouble with children is that they're not returnable". |
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