"We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love"
About this Quote
The sharpest turn is his demotion of possessiveness. "If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love" reads like a moral line in the sand, but the subtext is practical: possession is a strategy for managing our own fear. Call it devotion, call it commitment; if the engine is control, the outcome is still captivity. His syntax is doing work here. The repeated "If" clauses function like a diagnostic checklist, stripping away excuses and sentimental language until the motive is exposed.
Context matters: Nhat Hanh is speaking from an activist's understanding of harm, shaped by war, displacement, and the everyday violences that begin in the private sphere. The quote smuggles a political ethic into a personal one. "Ignore the needs of the other person" isn't just a relationship failure; it's the seed of dehumanization. In that sense, love becomes training for justice: to love well is to practice perceiving someone as fully real, not as a role in your story. The intent isn't to scold romance; it's to redirect it from appetite to presence.
Quote Details
| Topic | Love |
|---|---|
| Source | Help us find the source |
| Cite |
Citation Formats
APA Style (7th ed.)
Hanh, Nhat. (2026, January 16). We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love. FixQuotes. https://fixquotes.com/quotes/we-really-have-to-understand-the-person-we-want-123925/
Chicago Style
Hanh, Nhat. "We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love." FixQuotes. January 16, 2026. https://fixquotes.com/quotes/we-really-have-to-understand-the-person-we-want-123925/.
MLA Style (9th ed.)
"We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love." FixQuotes, 16 Jan. 2026, https://fixquotes.com/quotes/we-really-have-to-understand-the-person-we-want-123925/. Accessed 12 Feb. 2026.










