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Comedians (page 2)
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"A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed"
Lou Costello, Comedian
"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to"
Henny Youngman, Comedian
"I intend to live forever, or die trying"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake"
Bob Hope, Comedian
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there"
Josh Billings, Comedian
"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy"
Fred Allen, Comedian
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose"
Robin Williams, Comedian
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"
Emo Philips, Comedian
"Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint"
Billy Connolly, Comedian
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
"Politics is just show business for ugly people"
Jay Leno, Comedian
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'"
Bob Newhart, Comedian
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone"
Steven Wright, Comedian
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity"
George Carlin, Comedian
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
"Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
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