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Famous quotes by Comedians

ComediansGiggling is the most effective medicine, as well as these quotes by comics confirm it! From the amusing to the thought-provoking, these quotes will certainly make you laugh, grin, and also even reflect on life. Whether you're trying to find a pick-me-up or a minute of representation, these quotes by comedians will certainly give you with the excellent dose of wit as well as understanding. From the likes of Jerry Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres, as well as Amy Poehler, these quotes will certainly make you laugh, assume, and value the funny side of life.
Small: The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down
"The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down"
A. Whitney Brown, Comedian
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Small: If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death
"If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death"
Paul Lynde, Comedian
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Small: A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it
Bob Hope
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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Small: Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each genera
Bill Cosby
"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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Small: There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls
George Carlin
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls"
George Carlin, Comedian
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Small: A husband is whats left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed
"A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed"
Lou Costello, Comedian
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Small: Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
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Small: Violence is a tool of the ignorant
"Violence is a tool of the ignorant"
Flip Wilson, Comedian
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Small: Ive got the brain of a four year old. Ill bet he was glad to be rid of it
Groucho Marx
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed
"Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: I have the worlds largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps youve
Steven Wright
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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Small: In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children
Robert Benchley
"In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
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Small: I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a bo
Groucho Marx
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife
Groucho Marx
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Theyll always be an England, even if its in Hollywood
Bob Hope
"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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Small: Anyone who hates children and animals cant be all bad
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have
Bill Cosby
"Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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Small: Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream
"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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Small: I love being married. Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
Rita Rudner
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
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Small: Go, and never darken my towels again
Groucho Marx
"Go, and never darken my towels again"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Either hes dead or my watch has stopped
Groucho Marx
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Why should I care about posterity? Whats posterity ever done for me?
Groucho Marx
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup
Bob Hope
"The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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Small: I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentenc
George Carlin
""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"
George Carlin, Comedian
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Small: Always do whatevers next
George Carlin
"Always do whatever's next"
George Carlin, Comedian
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Small: Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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Small: Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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Small: I like Kit-Kat, unless Im with four or more people
Mitch Hedberg
"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
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