Famous quotes by Comedians

ComediansGiggling is the most effective medicine, as well as these quotes by comics confirm it! From the amusing to the thought-provoking, these quotes will certainly make you laugh, grin, and also even reflect on life. Whether you're trying to find a pick-me-up or a minute of representation, these quotes by comedians will certainly give you with the excellent dose of wit as well as understanding. From the likes of Jerry Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres, as well as Amy Poehler, these quotes will certainly make you laugh, assume, and value the funny side of life.
Small: If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death
"If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death"
Paul Lynde, Comedian
Small: Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each genera
Bill Cosby
"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
Small: A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it
Bob Hope
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"
Bob Hope, Comedian
Small: The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down
"The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down"
A. Whitney Brown, Comedian
Small: There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls
George Carlin
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls"
George Carlin, Comedian
Small: Anyone who hates children and animals cant be all bad
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
Small: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time
Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time"
Robin Williams, Comedian
Small: A husband is whats left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed
"A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed"
Lou Costello, Comedian
Small: I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a bo
Groucho Marx
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
Small: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas Ill never know
Groucho Marx
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
Small: Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven confess them to man and you will be laughed at
Josh Billings
"Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at"
Josh Billings, Comedian
Small: Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
Small: Violence is a tool of the ignorant
"Violence is a tool of the ignorant"
Flip Wilson, Comedian
Small: Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have
Bill Cosby
"Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
Small: Ive got the brain of a four year old. Ill bet he was glad to be rid of it
Groucho Marx
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
Small: Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed
"Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
Small: I have the worlds largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps youve
Steven Wright
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it"
Steven Wright, Comedian
Small: Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be
Joan Rivers
"Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
Small: In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children
Robert Benchley
"In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
Small: Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife
Groucho Marx
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
Small: Theyll always be an England, even if its in Hollywood
Bob Hope
"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood"
Bob Hope, Comedian
Small: Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream
"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
Small: Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
Small: I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
Steven Wright, Comedian
Small: I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
Small: I love being married. Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
Rita Rudner
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
Small: Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place
Johnny Carson
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place"
Johnny Carson, Comedian
Small: Go, and never darken my towels again
Groucho Marx
"Go, and never darken my towels again"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
Small: Either hes dead or my watch has stopped
Groucho Marx
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
Small: Why should I care about posterity? Whats posterity ever done for me?
Groucho Marx
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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