Famous quotes by Comedians

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries"

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to"

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"

"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice"

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake"

"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast"

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there"

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times"

"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise"

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"

"The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup"

"The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off"

"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness"

"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano"

"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood"

"You've got to be rich to have a swing like that"

"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it"

"She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction"

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy"

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle"

"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued"

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf"

"If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble"

"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it"

"I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there"

"I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money"

"I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!"