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Famous quotes by Comedians

ComediansGiggling is the most effective medicine, as well as these quotes by comics confirm it! From the amusing to the thought-provoking, these quotes will certainly make you laugh, grin, and also even reflect on life. Whether you're trying to find a pick-me-up or a minute of representation, these quotes by comedians will certainly give you with the excellent dose of wit as well as understanding. From the likes of Jerry Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres, as well as Amy Poehler, these quotes will certainly make you laugh, assume, and value the funny side of life.
Small: Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each genera
Bill Cosby
"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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Small: There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls
George Carlin
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls"
George Carlin, Comedian
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Small: If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death
"If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death"
Paul Lynde, Comedian
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Small: A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it
Bob Hope
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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Small: Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be
Joan Rivers
"Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
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Small: The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down
"The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down"
A. Whitney Brown, Comedian
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Small: If you cant dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull
W. C. Fields
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream
W. C. Fields
"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time
Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time"
Robin Williams, Comedian
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Small: A husband is whats left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed
"A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed"
Lou Costello, Comedian
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Small: I must confess, I was born at a very early age
Groucho Marx
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food
W. C. Fields
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: Anyone who hates children and animals cant be all bad
W. C. Fields
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
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Small: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas Ill never know
Groucho Marx
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: I have the worlds largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps youve
Steven Wright
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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Small: That one can love another of the same gender, that is what the homophobe really cannot stand
"That one can love another of the same gender, that is what the homophobe really cannot stand"
Stephen Fry, Comedian
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Small: Violence is a tool of the ignorant
"Violence is a tool of the ignorant"
Flip Wilson, Comedian
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Small: Its easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world
"It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world"
Al Franken, Comedian
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Small: I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a bo
Groucho Marx
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things
George Carlin
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things"
George Carlin, Comedian
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Small: Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, its all in perfect working order
"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
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Small: Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed
W. C. Fields
"Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town
George Carlin
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town"
George Carlin, Comedian
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Small: Theyll always be an England, even if its in Hollywood
Bob Hope
"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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Small: If women ran the world we wouldnt have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days
Robin Williams
"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days"
Robin Williams, Comedian
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Small: I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too
Mitch Hedberg
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
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Small: Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there
Josh Billings
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there"
Josh Billings, Comedian
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Small: Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven confess them to man and you will be laughed at
Josh Billings
"Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at"
Josh Billings, Comedian
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Small: There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain a
Graham Chapman
"There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount"
Graham Chapman, Comedian
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