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Famous quotes by Comedians

ComediansGiggling is the most effective medicine, as well as these quotes by comics confirm it! From the amusing to the thought-provoking, these quotes will certainly make you laugh, grin, and also even reflect on life. Whether you're trying to find a pick-me-up or a minute of representation, these quotes by comedians will certainly give you with the excellent dose of wit as well as understanding. From the likes of Jerry Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres, as well as Amy Poehler, these quotes will certainly make you laugh, assume, and value the funny side of life.
Small: Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each genera
Bill Cosby
"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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Small: If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death
"If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death"
Paul Lynde, Comedian
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Small: A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it
Bob Hope
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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Small: The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down
"The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down"
A. Whitney Brown, Comedian
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Small: There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls
George Carlin
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls"
George Carlin, Comedian
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Small: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time
Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time"
Robin Williams, Comedian
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Small: A husband is whats left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed
"A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed"
Lou Costello, Comedian
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Small: Anyone who hates children and animals cant be all bad
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas Ill never know
Groucho Marx
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be
Joan Rivers
"Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
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Small: I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a bo
Groucho Marx
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven confess them to man and you will be laughed at
Josh Billings
"Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at"
Josh Billings, Comedian
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Small: Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
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Small: Violence is a tool of the ignorant
"Violence is a tool of the ignorant"
Flip Wilson, Comedian
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Small: Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have
Bill Cosby
"Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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Small: Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream
"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: Ive got the brain of a four year old. Ill bet he was glad to be rid of it
Groucho Marx
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: I must confess, I was born at a very early age
Groucho Marx
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed
"Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed"
W. C. Fields, Comedian
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Small: I have the worlds largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps youve
Steven Wright
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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Small: In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children
Robert Benchley
"In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
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Small: Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife
Groucho Marx
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Theyll always be an England, even if its in Hollywood
Bob Hope
"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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Small: Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: If women ran the world we wouldnt have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days
Robin Williams
"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days"
Robin Williams, Comedian
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Small: About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment
Josh Billings
"About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment"
Josh Billings, Comedian
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Small: Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there
Josh Billings
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there"
Josh Billings, Comedian
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Small: I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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Small: That was the best ice cream soda I ever tasted
"That was the best ice cream soda I ever tasted"
Lou Costello, Comedian
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Small: I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
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