Book: Just Because It's Not Wrong Doesn't Make It Right

Overview
Barbara Coloroso’s 2005 book "Just Because It’s Not Wrong Doesn’t Make It Right" argues that raising ethical kids requires more than rule-following and fear of punishment. She urges parents and educators to help children build an inner compass grounded in empathy, integrity, and courage so they can navigate gray areas where something may be legal, common, or technically permissible yet still not right. Spanning toddlerhood through adolescence, the book blends developmental insight, practical tools, and real-life scenarios to show how everyday interactions shape a child’s moral reasoning and capacity to act with compassion.

Core Ideas
Coloroso distinguishes external control, compliance driven by rewards, threats, or reputation, from internal discipline rooted in caring and conscience. She stresses that adults are always teaching ethics, whether intentionally or not, through how they speak, set boundaries, resolve conflicts, and treat mistakes. Children learn most powerfully from modeling: a home or classroom grounded in dignity and mutual respect invites kids to think beyond “What can I get away with?” toward “What is the right thing to do, and how do I do it well?” Ethical growth, in her view, relies on nurturing empathy, supporting independent judgment, and encouraging the courage to stand up for others.

Discipline, Not Punishment
A central theme is the difference between punishment, humiliation, shame, or arbitrary consequences that breed resentment, and discipline that teaches and repairs. Coloroso emphasizes restorative responses when harm occurs: acknowledge the wrongdoing, make restitution, resolve the underlying problem, and seek reconciliation. These steps help children assume responsibility without being crushed by shame, preserving their sense of dignity while strengthening accountability. Natural and logical consequences, guided reflection, and sincere apologies are favored over lectures, bribes, or public displays of blame.

Family and Classroom Climate
Coloroso contrasts rigid, authoritarian approaches with permissive, hands-off ones, advocating instead for an authoritative “backbone” style that blends warmth with clear structure. In such environments, children experience consistent expectations, meaningful choices, and respectful limits. Family and class meetings, collaborative problem-solving, and shared norms create communities where kids practice ethical dialogue, learn to disagree without demeaning, and experience belonging, a key source of moral courage.

Everyday Ethics and Gray Areas
The book addresses lying, cheating, and stealing alongside contemporary dilemmas: plagiarism and academic pressure, digital downloading, bystander behavior, consumer culture, and prejudice. Coloroso encourages using current events and daily mishaps to pose reflective questions about fairness, harm, honesty, and transparency. She shows how pressures to win, look good, or fit in can erode judgment and how adults can inoculate kids by naming these pressures, telling the truth about consequences, and honoring effort and integrity over performance and image.

Building Empathy and Courage
From toddler conflicts over toys to teen choices around peer pressure, Coloroso highlights coaching techniques that cultivate perspective-taking and moral courage. Children are guided to consider the impact of their choices on others, to make amends when they cause harm, and to move from passive bystanders to principled actors. Storytelling, literature, and reflective conversation help kids imagine others’ experiences and translate feeling into action.

Practical Takeaways
Parents and teachers can foster ethical competence by modeling honesty, admitting mistakes, and repairing harms; creating spaces where kids are heard and trusted; offering meaningful responsibilities; and inviting them into real decisions. The cumulative message is that ethics is a daily practice, not a one-time lesson or set of rules. When adults commit to dignity, respect, and restorative problem-solving, children learn to do what is right even when no one is watching and when the path is neither easy nor obvious.