Book: The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander

Overview

Barbara Coloroso’s 2003 book explains how bullying operates as a social system sustained by the bully, the targeted child, and the surrounding bystanders, and offers concrete ways for adults to dismantle that system. Drawing on developmental psychology and her work with families and schools, she distinguishes bullying from ordinary conflict, examines the forces that keep it going, and outlines practical responses that build dignity, accountability, and community rather than fear or compliance. The book addresses settings from preschool through high school and includes early guidance on digital cruelty that would soon expand with social media.

Defining Bullying

Coloroso defines bullying as deliberate, repeated harm done in a relationship marked by an imbalance of power. At its core is contempt, a dehumanizing attitude that licenses cruelty. She emphasizes that bullying is not normal teasing, mutual conflict, or a one-time spat; it can be physical, verbal, relational (exclusion, rumor, social sabotage), or technological. The power gap may be physical size, popularity, age, group status, or technological reach. Because bullying is a pattern, it injures not only individuals but the climate of a classroom or school.

The Roles

She describes characteristic patterns for the bully, the bullied, and the bystander. Some bullies are socially skilled and calculating; others are “wounded” bullies who have been hurt elsewhere and displace pain onto peers. Targets may be chosen for standing out, being new, anxious, gifted, disabled, or simply being in the wrong place socially. The most elastic role is the bystander, ranging from active henchmen to passive onlookers to potential defenders. Coloroso argues that shifting bystanders from silent complicity to principled action is the lever that changes the culture, because bystanders supply or withhold the audience, status, and impunity bullies seek.

Family and School Climate

A child’s moral compass is shaped at home and reinforced at school. Coloroso contrasts rigid, punitive “brick-wall” environments and permissive, inconsistent “jellyfish” ones with a “backbone” approach that is firm, fair, and compassionate. Discipline, in her view, teaches; punishment merely inflicts. She urges schools to replace zero-tolerance reflexes and code-heavy control with consistent expectations, meaningful consequences, and restorative opportunities. Adults model how power should be used; if sarcasm, humiliation, and domination appear in adult behavior, students will mirror them.

Warning Signs and Costs

Targets may show school avoidance, illness complaints, sleep problems, damaged belongings, or sudden social withdrawal. Students who bully may display a need to dominate, rationalize harm, show low empathy, or enjoy others’ embarrassment. Untreated bullying correlates with anxiety, depression, and academic decline for targets; with escalating aggression and later antisocial behavior for habitual bullies; and with a general erosion of trust and safety that undermines learning for everyone.

Interventions That Work

Coloroso cautions against telling a child to “ignore it, ” forcing face-to-face mediation in cases with a clear power gap, or demanding apologies on the spot. Effective adult responses stop the hurt quickly, gather facts without blame-laden questions, and craft consequences that include restitution, resolution, and reconciliation where appropriate. Restitution repairs harm; resolution changes the pattern; reconciliation, when safe and voluntary, restores relationship. She promotes teaching concrete refusal and help-seeking skills, creating safe reporting channels, documenting incidents, and coordinating with families. For bystanders, she provides scripts and small actions, interrupting the performance, moving to sit with a target, naming the behavior, fetching an adult, that lower the social cost of doing the right thing.

Building Caring Communities

Prevention rests on cultivating empathy, courage, and a sense of belonging. Coloroso recommends regular class meetings, cooperative learning, explicit norms about gossip and exclusion, and rituals that welcome newcomers and honor differences. Digital citizenship, supervision in “hot spots, ” and staff who intervene consistently help close the space where bullying thrives. The message to all students is steady: everyone has intrinsic worth, everyone is accountable for harm, and everyone can learn to make better choices.

Takeaway

The book reframes bullying from a problem in one child to a pattern sustained by a community, and it equips adults to change that pattern. By pairing clear definitions with humane discipline and by mobilizing bystanders, Coloroso shows how schools and families can break cycles of contempt and build cultures of dignity.