"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything"
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side"
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place"
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly"
"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding"
"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter"
"I invented the cordless extension cord"
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect"
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country"
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"
"At one point he decided enough was enough"
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths"
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone"
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it"
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy"
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out"
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car"
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time"
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it"
"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night"
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually"
"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature"
"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator"
"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there"
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature"
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving"
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant"
"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific"
