"The women who don't feel that people think they're sexy are the ones who seem to titillate in that way, because they don't feel like they're getting that kind of approval"

Vanessa Carlton’s observation highlights the nuanced relationship between perception, self-esteem, and outward expression of sexuality. She reflects on the paradox that women who do not believe others see them as sexy often become more alluring or provocative to observers. This dynamic does not stem from a conscious performance or desire to seek attention, but rather from a lack of perceived approval regarding their sexual attractiveness. Without external validation in this regard, these women may feel free to express themselves authentically, unaffected by concerns of meeting societal expectations or attracting specific attention. Ironically, this genuine self-expression can be what captures the attention of others, rendering them more alluring precisely because their behavior lacks the calculated effort associated with performing for approval.

The notion also alludes to the broader idea of confidence and natural charisma. When individuals, women, in Carlton’s example, feel unobserved or unnoticed, their guard drops. Their gestures, mannerisms, and energy are less guarded, more relaxed, and thus perceived as more genuine. Observers may sense an authenticity that is often absent from those obviously seeking approval; this authenticity is, itself, magnetic. There’s also a touch of rebellion in disregarding what others might expect or want, and such independence can be highly attractive. Society often conditions women to associate their value with external validation, particularly in terms of beauty or sexual desirability. Those who break free from this conditioning, consciously or subconsciously, may paradoxically embody the very traits that others find captivating.

Carlton thus points out the unexpected way that lack of validation can fuel an aura of appeal. By not seeking or expecting sexual approval, these women sidestep the performative aspect of seduction, and in doing so, their authenticity and self-possession can make them stand out in the crowd, titillating precisely because their appeal is not mediated by obvious self-consciousness or the pursuit of attention.