"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair"
"I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order"
"I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years.""
"I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes"
"I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex"
"I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up"
"I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it"
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage"
"Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide"
"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911"
"What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?"
"There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it"
