Famous quotes by Comedians

Small: He who hesitates is sometimes saved
"He who hesitates is sometimes saved"
James Thurber, Comedian
Small: It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers
"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers"
James Thurber, Comedian
Small: Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
Robin Williams, Comedian
Small: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time
Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time"
Robin Williams, Comedian
Small: No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world
Robin Williams
"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world"
Robin Williams, Comedian
Small: Im sorry, if you were right, Id agree with you
Robin Williams
"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you"
Robin Williams, Comedian
Small: If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, Id probably just start calling out letters
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
Small: I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insan
"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
Small: When youre hot, youre hot when youre not, youre not
"When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not"
Flip Wilson, Comedian
Small: I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said Guess
"I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'"
Demetri Martin, Comedian
Small: I think I look great in green, and Im going to start wearing more green
"I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green"
Garry Shandling, Comedian
Small: I think its one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because theres so much at
"I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large"
Garry Shandling, Comedian
Small: I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead
"I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead"
Garry Shandling, Comedian
Small: Im too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I dont know
"I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know"
Garry Shandling, Comedian
Small: I like going into nature and thats where Im happiest
"I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest"
Garry Shandling, Comedian
Small: Heres the thing - Im single, I havent been married, I dont have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interes
"Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids"
Garry Shandling, Comedian
Small: Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the authors soul. If that upheaval is not present then it mus
Robert Benchley
"Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
Small: I wish I had a twin, so I could know what Id look like without plastic surgery
Joan Rivers
"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
Small: I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio
Joan Rivers
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
Small: Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory
Joan Rivers
"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
Small: My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive
Rodney Dangerfield
"My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
Small: Not so much in Canada, but certainly in the US, as Im sure you know, money is all, and if they can get another
"Not so much in Canada, but certainly in the US, as I'm sure you know, money is all, and if they can get another 26 programs of the same thing even though it advances the culture or those actor's careers not at all it doesn't matter"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
Small: Monty Python crowd half of them came from Cambridge, and half of them came from Oxford. But, there seems to be
"Monty Python crowd; half of them came from Cambridge, and half of them came from Oxford. But, there seems to be this jewel, this sort of two headed tradition of doing comedy, of doing sketches, and that kind of thing"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
Small: Marketing is what gets you noticed, and that side of it something - this side of it, if you like, doing interv
"Marketing is what gets you noticed, and that side of it something - this side of it, if you like, doing interviews - is the side of it that I least enjoy, and yet is 50% of the project"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
Small: In TV, and in particular in commercials, you dont really need to explain very much at all - you just say hes a
"In TV, and in particular in commercials, you don't really need to explain very much at all - you just say he's a spy and he's a little bit theatrical and overblown and smug and he's not very good at his job"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
Small: Get that right, then- if you get the quality right, then the marketability or whatever your ability to sell vi
"Get that right, then- if you get the quality right, then the marketability or whatever; your ability to sell videos or your ability to earn money or whatever, will follow naturally. But try to be creatively lead rather than market lead. And that's important to me"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
Small: And, we put a lot more value, or at least I personally put a lot more value, on the creative values and creati
"And, we put a lot more value, or at least I personally put a lot more value, on the creative values and creative challenges of something than the commercial necessities"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
Small: I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself
Rodney Dangerfield
"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
Small: I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette
Rodney Dangerfield
"I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
Small: I havent spoken to my wife in years. I didnt want to interrupt her
Rodney Dangerfield
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
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