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Famous quotes by Comedians

Small: Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory
Joan Rivers
"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory"
Joan Rivers, Comedian
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Small: Not so much in Canada, but certainly in the US, as Im sure you know, money is all, and if they can get another
"Not so much in Canada, but certainly in the US, as I'm sure you know, money is all, and if they can get another 26 programs of the same thing even though it advances the culture or those actor's careers not at all it doesn't matter"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
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Small: Monty Python crowd half of them came from Cambridge, and half of them came from Oxford. But, there seems to be
"Monty Python crowd; half of them came from Cambridge, and half of them came from Oxford. But, there seems to be this jewel, this sort of two headed tradition of doing comedy, of doing sketches, and that kind of thing"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
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Small: Marketing is what gets you noticed, and that side of it something - this side of it, if you like, doing interv
"Marketing is what gets you noticed, and that side of it something - this side of it, if you like, doing interviews - is the side of it that I least enjoy, and yet is 50% of the project"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
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Small: In TV, and in particular in commercials, you dont really need to explain very much at all - you just say hes a
"In TV, and in particular in commercials, you don't really need to explain very much at all - you just say he's a spy and he's a little bit theatrical and overblown and smug and he's not very good at his job"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
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Small: Get that right, then- if you get the quality right, then the marketability or whatever your ability to sell vi
"Get that right, then- if you get the quality right, then the marketability or whatever; your ability to sell videos or your ability to earn money or whatever, will follow naturally. But try to be creatively lead rather than market lead. And that's important to me"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
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Small: And, we put a lot more value, or at least I personally put a lot more value, on the creative values and creati
"And, we put a lot more value, or at least I personally put a lot more value, on the creative values and creative challenges of something than the commercial necessities"
Rowan Atkinson, Comedian
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Small: Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime
"Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime"
Red Skelton, Comedian
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Small: All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner"
Red Skelton, Comedian
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Small: No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds
"No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds"
Red Skelton, Comedian
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Small: The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If were going to charge 10 an hou
Rita Rudner
"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down"
Rita Rudner, Comedian
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Small: We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities
"We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities"
Bill Maher, Comedian
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Small: Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, Please, I used to pull the s
"Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'"
Bill Maher, Comedian
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Small: I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again
"I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again"
Bill Maher, Comedian
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Small: Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them"
Bill Maher, Comedian
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Small: I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it
"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
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Small: Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?"
Spike Milligan, Comedian
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Small: I put heavy emphasis on the characters
Keenen Ivory Wayans
"I put heavy emphasis on the characters"
Keenen Ivory Wayans, Comedian
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Small: England is better only because I stand out there as unusual
Emo Philips
"England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'"
Emo Philips, Comedian
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Small: This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and Im not about to screw with it now
"This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now"
Bob Newhart, Comedian
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Small: I dont like country music, but I dont mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country musi
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'"
Bob Newhart, Comedian
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Small: Funny is funny is funny
"Funny is funny is funny"
Bob Newhart, Comedian
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Small: The pressures having grown up in this business can be really rough. And it is a testament to you that you have
Keenen Ivory Wayans
"The pressures having grown up in this business can be really rough. And it is a testament to you that you have remained focused and NOT lost your mind"
Keenen Ivory Wayans, Comedian
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Small: I think a lot comes from having the experience of doing stand-up comedy. It allows you to figure out the psych
Keenen Ivory Wayans
"I think a lot comes from having the experience of doing stand-up comedy. It allows you to figure out the psychology of an audience; what things are funny and not"
Keenen Ivory Wayans, Comedian
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Small: Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"
Emo Philips, Comedian
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Small: You dont appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day b
Emo Philips
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life"
Emo Philips, Comedian
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Small: If you dont mind, it doesnt matter
Jack Benny
"If you don't mind, it doesn't matter"
Jack Benny, Comedian
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Small: Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air
Jack Benny
"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air"
Jack Benny, Comedian
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Small: Gags die, humor doesnt
Jack Benny
"Gags die, humor doesn't"
Jack Benny, Comedian
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Small: Girls are like pianos. When theyre not upright, theyre grand
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand"
Benny Hill, Comedian
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