"The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living"
"The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How is the president?""
"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf"
"The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it"
"The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer"
"The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats"
"You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way"
"We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can"
"This thing of being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die"
"This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer"
"The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets"
"So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way"
"Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated"
"It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so"
"I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock"
"Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans"
"Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation"
"Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction"
"Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff"
"Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth"
"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for"
"Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do"
"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?"
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh"
"An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out"
"An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's"
"America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few"
"America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there"
"All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance"
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip"
"Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches"
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in"
"Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it"
"If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics"
"If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable"
"If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production"
"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
"If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress"
"If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them"
"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago"
"I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times"
"I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do"
"I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one"
"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects"
"Even though you are on the right track - you will get run over if you just sit there"
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there"
"Don't let yesterday use up too much of today"
"Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it"
"Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious"
