"What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers"
"The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example"
"The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot"
"The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition"
"The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire"
"The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs"
"The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species"
"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes"
"The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter"
"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins"
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face"
"Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd"
"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent"
"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid"
"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them"
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice"
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer"
"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance"
