"The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species"
"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes"
"The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter"
"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins"
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face"
"Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd"
"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent"
"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid"
"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them"
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice"
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer"
"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance"
"Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column"
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night"
"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland"
"If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word"
"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"
"If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry"
