"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not"
"Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be"
"If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat"
"I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting"
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society"
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained"
"When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people"
"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence"
"The Public is merely a multiplied "me.""
"Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough"
"Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins"
"Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising"
"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it"
"When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn"
"To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble"
"There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress"
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself"
"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech"
"Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with"
"God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board"
"Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest"
"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear"
"There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce"
"The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it"
"The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little"
"If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first"
"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish"
"If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way"
"If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later"
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education"
"I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time"
"I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough"
"I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places"
"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way"
"I've never let my school interfere with my education"
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream"
"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress"
"Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat"
"Prosperity is the best protector of principle"
"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling"
"It is easier to stay out than get out"
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know"
"I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping"
"When in doubt tell the truth"
"What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin"
"It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand"
"In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours"
"I can live for two months on a good compliment"
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened"
"Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever"
