"There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded"
"The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession"
"The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice"
"The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right"
"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus"
"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been"
"A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar"
"The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane"
"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated"
"The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner"
"Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do"
"Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself"
"Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation"
"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense"
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved"
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect"
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old"
"What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself"
"What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before"
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter"
"Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand"
"Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often"
"A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape"
"A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds"
"A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read"
"A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation"
"When in doubt tell the truth"
"Golf is a good walk spoiled"
"Necessity is the mother of taking chances"
"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them"
"There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice"
"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it"
"Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own"
"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live"
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first"
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
"When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself"
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not"
"Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be"
"Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins"
"Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising"
"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it"
"When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn"
"To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble"
"It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions"
"I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting"
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society"
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained"
"When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people"
