"George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie"
"Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned"
"Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it"
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
"'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read"
"Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities"
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't"
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example"
"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children"
"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable"
"We are all alike, on the inside"
"We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world"
"Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody"
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer"
"Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it"
"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't"
"Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so"
"There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy"
"There are lies, damned lies and statistics"
"There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded"
"The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession"
"The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice"
"The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right"
"A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar"
"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval"
"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus"
"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been"
"Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms"
"The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane"
"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated"
"The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner"
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter"
"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year"
"The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this"
"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time"
"The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word"
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug"
"The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes"
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up"
"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself"
"Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about"
"Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside"
"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet"
"Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we.""
"One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives"
"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat"
"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits"
"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid"
"No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon"
