"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence"
"The Public is merely a multiplied "me.""
"I've never let my school interfere with my education"
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream"
"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress"
"I can live for two months on a good compliment"
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened"
"Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever"
"If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way"
"If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later"
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education"
"I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time"
"I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough"
"I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places"
"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way"
"The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little"
"If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first"
"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish"
"God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board"
"Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest"
"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear"
"There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce"
"I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping"
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself"
"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech"
"Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat"
"Prosperity is the best protector of principle"
"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling"
