"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses"
"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny"
"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"
"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast"
"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out"
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering"
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything"
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side"
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place"
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly"
"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding"
"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter"
"I invented the cordless extension cord"
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect"
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country"
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"
"At one point he decided enough was enough"
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths"
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone"
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it"
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy"
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out"
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car"
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time"
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it"
"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night"
