"But it doesn't matter what you're doing, it matters how you're doing it"
About this Quote
Dan Savage, long known for exploding taboos and cutting through sanctimony in his advice on sex and relationships, shifts attention from labels and acts to ethics and craft. The point is not whether someone is monogamous or poly, queer or straight, kinky or vanilla; the meaningful question is whether their choices are rooted in consent, honesty, and care. A faithful marriage can be cruel if sustained by manipulation or coercion, while a nontraditional arrangement can be deeply ethical when it is transparent, negotiated, and attentive to the well-being of all involved. The moral heat gets moved away from categories and toward conduct.
That move is both pragmatic and humane. Pragmatic, because the outcomes people want in love and sex—trust, pleasure, security—arise from the quality of the process: communication, boundaries, and follow-through. Humane, because it refuses to stigmatize desire itself and instead asks how people treat each other while navigating it. The same logic exposes common double standards. Cheating is not bad because of a specific act but because it violates an agreement; an open relationship is not bad because it departs from a norm but because, if done poorly, it can break trust. The how is the ethical engine.
The line also travels well beyond the bedroom. In work, art, and activism, methods are not a bureaucratic afterthought; they are the substance of integrity. Pursuing a good cause with contempt or deception corrodes the good, while a modest task done with diligence and respect creates durable value. Process is character in motion. It shapes outcomes and the people we become while seeking them.
Savage’s reminder collapses the lazy comfort of judging by labels and returns responsibility to daily practice. Ends do not redeem means; means are how ends are built. Choose methods that reflect the world you want to inhabit—transparent, consensual, careful—and you will be doing something that matters, whatever the domain.
That move is both pragmatic and humane. Pragmatic, because the outcomes people want in love and sex—trust, pleasure, security—arise from the quality of the process: communication, boundaries, and follow-through. Humane, because it refuses to stigmatize desire itself and instead asks how people treat each other while navigating it. The same logic exposes common double standards. Cheating is not bad because of a specific act but because it violates an agreement; an open relationship is not bad because it departs from a norm but because, if done poorly, it can break trust. The how is the ethical engine.
The line also travels well beyond the bedroom. In work, art, and activism, methods are not a bureaucratic afterthought; they are the substance of integrity. Pursuing a good cause with contempt or deception corrodes the good, while a modest task done with diligence and respect creates durable value. Process is character in motion. It shapes outcomes and the people we become while seeking them.
Savage’s reminder collapses the lazy comfort of judging by labels and returns responsibility to daily practice. Ends do not redeem means; means are how ends are built. Choose methods that reflect the world you want to inhabit—transparent, consensual, careful—and you will be doing something that matters, whatever the domain.
Quote Details
| Topic | Motivational |
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