"Backbite. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you"
"Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others"
"Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her"
"Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue"
"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills"
"It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better"
"Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries"
"Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country"
"Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows"
"Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table"
"Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own"
"Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience"
"Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others"
"Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure"
"Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age"
"Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another"
"Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C"
"Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head"
"Genius - to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things"
"Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured"
"Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver"
"We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect"
"The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up"
"Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance"
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret"
"Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth"
"Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship"
"Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead"
"Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized"
"Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic"
"Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed"
"Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable"
"Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery"
"An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me"
"Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish"
"Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead"
"Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left"
"Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third"
"Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking"
"Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to"
"Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught"
"Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion"
"Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another"
"Alien - an American sovereign in his probationary state"
"A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others"
"A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it"
"A man is known by the company he organizes"
"We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over"
"To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense"
"There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy"
