"Everybody has basically the same family, it's just reconfigured slightly differently from one to the next"
"Earth was not built for six billion people all running around and being passionate about things. The world was built for about two million people foraging for roots and grubs"
"Clowns drink to blot out the ravages of terrifying children for a living"
"Birds are a miracle because they prove to us there is a finer, simpler state of being which we may strive to attain"
"You can never become rich unless you like rich people"
"There are three things we cry about in life, things that are lost, things that are found, and things that are magnificent"
"Purchased experiences don't count"
"It's difficult to speak with beautiful people. No matter how hard you try to pretend otherwise, you still want them to like you"
"In our heads we're all about 33 years old"
"If you don't have a spiritual practice in place when times are good, you can't expect to suddenly develop one during a moment of crisis"
"Cloning is great. If God made the original, then making copies should be fine"
"Christmas makes everything twice as sad"
"Being asked what animal you'd like to be is a trick question; you're already an animal"
"Your brain forms roughly 10,000 new cells every day, but unless they hook up to preexisting cells with strong memories, they die. Serves them right"
"We're rapidly approaching a world comprised entirely of jail and shopping"
"There's much to be said for feeling numb. Time passes more quickly. You eat less, and because numbness encourages laziness, you do fewer things, good or bad, and the world's probably a better place for it"
"People will always choose more money over more sex"
"Once you see someone lose it, you can never look at them the same way again"
"Nature is one great big wood-chipper. Sooner or later, everything shoots out the other end in a spray of blood, bones and hair"
"It's weird when people start sentences with 'frankly' - as if their other sentences don't count"
"In the future, torture will once again become the recreational sport of the rich"
"If someone decides to be a musician now, it means because there is no hope of money at the end of it, it means they really want to be a musician. And if someone is writing now, there is no hope for money at the end of it"
"If our subconscious was attractive, we wouldn't have to bury it down deep within us"
"I think the killers get far too much attention"
"I think that in the future, clocks won't say three o'clock anymore. They'll just get right to the point and rename three o'clock 'Pepsi.'"
"Human beings are the only animal that thinks they change who they are simply by moving to a different place. Birds migrate, but it's not quite the same thing"
"Brain research tells us that only twenty percent of human beings have a sense of irony, which means that eighty percent of the world takes everything at face value"
"Blame is just a lazy person's way of making sense of chaos"
"Before machines the only form of entertainment people really had was relationships"
"A ring is a halo on your finger"
"You spend a much larger part of your life being old, not young"
"You can only fall in love six times in your life. Choose wisely"
"Where does personality end and brain damage begin?"
"The universe hands you opportunities for a while, and if you don't take them, the universe says to itself, 'Oh I see, this person doesn't like opportunities' and stops giving them to you"
"Quick. Name ten dead redheads"
"Every single moment is a coincidence"
"Americans are a quarter of a billion people who have almost nothing in common except for the fact they've been told they have lots in common"
"Everybody past a certain age, regardless of how they look on the outside, pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives"
"Every human being you see in the course of a day has a problem that's sucking up at least 70 percent of his or her radar"
"Depression is when you have lots of love, but no one's taking"
"Big companies are like marching bands. Even if half the band is playing random notes, it still sounds kind of like music. The concealment of failure is built into them"
"Salad bars are like a restaurant's lungs. They soak up the impurities and bacteria in the environment, leaving you with much cleaner air to enjoy"
"On TV people look at your hair and then they look at your skin, and then they look at your clothes, and by the time they're listening to what you're saying, you're off the screen"
"Make your goals big and broad enough so that they never become answered prayers and boomerang to curse you"
"If God drives a car, He'd drive a 1973 Ford LTD Brougham sedan with a claret-colored vinyl roof, with oxblood leather upholstery and an opera window"
"I know it's not cat food, but what exactly is it that they put inside of tinned ravioli?"
"I find it hard to believe that human beings are the crowning achievement of life on earth. Something better than us has to come along"
"Is there anything in the world more annoyingly creepy than an unspoken dress code?"
"I want pills called September 10. You take one and your mind feels like the 11th never happened"
"Forget about being world famous, it's hard enough just getting the automatic doors at the supermarket to acknowledge our existence"
