"You do not have to do everything disagreeable that you have a right to do"
About this Quote
Judith Martin, the etiquette columnist known as Miss Manners, reminds us that rights are not instructions. Having the authority or entitlement to do something does not obligate you to act on it, especially when the action would be harsh, petty, or needlessly hurtful. The line pushes back against a common modern reflex: to justify unkind behavior by appealing to technical correctness. You may have the right to speak your mind bluntly, to demand every rule be enforced to the letter, or to correct a stranger. You also have the choice to refrain, to temper your behavior with grace.
The distinction she draws is between legality and propriety, between what one may do and what is wise or decent to do. Etiquette, in her view, is not oppression but the voluntary practice of self-restraint that protects social life. Exercising a right can be an assertion of freedom; declining to exercise it can be an act of generosity. The mastery is knowing when your point, your victory, or your grievance is less valuable than preserving trust, easing tension, or sparing someone embarrassment.
Consider the public square. Free speech allows a person to be caustic or triumphant; civility invites a steadier tone that wins more listeners. At work, you can claim credit and expose a colleague’s mistake; you can also share credit and help repair the error. Even at home, the impulse to have the last word can be indulged or set aside in favor of peace. None of these choices betray your rights. They express an understanding that rights create space for agency, while manners guide the use of that space.
Martin’s counsel is not sanctimony but pragmatism. Restraint is a form of power, one that builds relationships and credibility. Choosing not to do the disagreeable thing, even when entitled to, affirms that character is measured not only by what we can do but by what we decline to do.
The distinction she draws is between legality and propriety, between what one may do and what is wise or decent to do. Etiquette, in her view, is not oppression but the voluntary practice of self-restraint that protects social life. Exercising a right can be an assertion of freedom; declining to exercise it can be an act of generosity. The mastery is knowing when your point, your victory, or your grievance is less valuable than preserving trust, easing tension, or sparing someone embarrassment.
Consider the public square. Free speech allows a person to be caustic or triumphant; civility invites a steadier tone that wins more listeners. At work, you can claim credit and expose a colleague’s mistake; you can also share credit and help repair the error. Even at home, the impulse to have the last word can be indulged or set aside in favor of peace. None of these choices betray your rights. They express an understanding that rights create space for agency, while manners guide the use of that space.
Martin’s counsel is not sanctimony but pragmatism. Restraint is a form of power, one that builds relationships and credibility. Choosing not to do the disagreeable thing, even when entitled to, affirms that character is measured not only by what we can do but by what we decline to do.
Quote Details
| Topic | Kindness |
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