"You can always tell an old soldier by the inside of his holsters and cartridge boxes. The young ones carry pistols and cartridges; the old ones, grub"
"We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years and justify our existence... on pain of liquidation"
"The heretic is always better dead. And mortal eyes cannot distinguish the saint from the heretic"
"Nothing is ever done in this world until men are prepared to kill one another if it is not done"
"Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history"
"He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career"
"Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same"
"Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children"
"You are going to let the fear of poverty govern you life and your reward will be that you will eat, but you will not live"
"Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week"
"Few of us have vitality enough to make any of our instincts imperious"
"Fashions, after all, are only induced epidemics"
"Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does"
"Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough"
"Every person who has mastered a profession is a skeptic concerning it"
"Every man over forty is a scoundrel"
"Only on paper has humanity yet achieved glory, beauty, truth, knowledge, virtue, and abiding love"
"One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't"
"Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food"
"Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience"
"I am afraid we must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy"
"I am a Christian. That obliges me to be a Communist"
"It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace"
"Independence? That's middle class blasphemy. We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth"
"In this world there is always danger for those who are afraid of it"
"In heaven an angel is nobody in particular"
"In a battle all you need to make you fight is a little hot blood and the knowledge that it's more dangerous to lose than to win"
"Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will"
"If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example"
"If you leave the smallest corner of your head vacant for a moment, other people's opinions will rush in from all quarters"
"If you injure your neighbour, better not do it by halves"
"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation"
"I never thought much of the courage of a lion tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people"
"I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me"
"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it"
"I have to live for others and not for myself: that's middle-class morality"
"Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity"
"Marriage is good enough for the lower classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to us"
"Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open"
"Man can climb to the highest summits, but he cannot dwell there long"
"Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else"
"Life would be tolerable but for its amusements"
"Life levels all men. Death reveals the eminent"
"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself"
"A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education"
"A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic"
"A broken heart is a very pleasant complaint for a man in London if he has a comfortable income"
"Animals are my friends... and I don't eat my friends"
