Famous quotes by Comedians


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"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
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"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries"
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"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice"
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"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise"
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"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"
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"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other"
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"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing"
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"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down"
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"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well"
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"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"
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"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times"
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"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family"
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"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to"
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"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely"
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"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly"
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"I don't know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain't even never been to a wedding"
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"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that"
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"It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends"
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"If you've got a talent, protect it"
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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"
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"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
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"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me"
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"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive"
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"Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy"
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"You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any"
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"You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it"
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"Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge"
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"It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful"
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"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure"
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"A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station"
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