Famous quotes by Comedians

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries"

"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice"

"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other"

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down"

"I don't know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain't even never been to a wedding"

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that"

"It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends"

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to"

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"

"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive"

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

"There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto"

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public"

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing"

"The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you"

"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron"

"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture"

"Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves"

"My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual"

"My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me"

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee"

"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor"

"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core"

"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like"

"I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?"

"I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing"

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them"

"I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard"