Famous quotes by Comedians


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"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
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"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries"
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"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice"
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"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise"
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"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"
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"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other"
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"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing"
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"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well"
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"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down"
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"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times"
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"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to"
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"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family"
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"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"
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"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly"
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"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely"
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"I don't know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain't even never been to a wedding"
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"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that"
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"It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends"
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"If you've got a talent, protect it"
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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"
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"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
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"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me"
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"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive"
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"Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework"
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"Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet"
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"Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die"
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"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on"
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"When you become senile, you won't know it"
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"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it"
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"There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right"
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