Famous quotes by Comedians


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"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
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"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries"
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"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"
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"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to"
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"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice"
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"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"
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"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake"
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"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast"
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"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times"
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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"
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"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise"
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"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"
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"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano"
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"They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood"
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"The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup"
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"The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off"
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"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness"
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"You've got to be rich to have a swing like that"
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"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it"
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"She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction"
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"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy"
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"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle"
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"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued"
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"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf"
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"If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble"
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"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it"
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"I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there"
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"I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money"
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"I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!"
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"I have too much money invested in sweaters"
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