Famous quotes by Comedians


Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"I don't know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain't even never been to a wedding"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"If you've got a talent, protect it"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made"
Google Plus Share
Twitter Share
FaceBook Share
"Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework"
Page 1 of 118Next page Next page