Arnold H. Glasgow
Bryant H. McGill
Charles F. Kettering
Chris Van Allsburg
Henry Ward Beecher
J. B. Priestley
Jerry B. Jenkins
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thomas A. Edison
Famous quotes by Comedians
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries"
"Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice"
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to"
"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise"
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry"
"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other"
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing"
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down"
"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well"
"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times"
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family"
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"
"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely"
"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly"
"The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast"
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"
"I don't know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain't even never been to a wedding"
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that"
"It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends"
"The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid"
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me"
"Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?"
"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive"
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock"
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