Arnold H. Glasgow
Charles F. Kettering
Chris Van Allsburg
Henry Ward Beecher
J. B. Priestley
James A. Baldwin
Jerry B. Jenkins
Linda M. Godwin
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thomas A. Edison
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry"
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby"
"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height"
"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat"
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing"
"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well"
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"
"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely"
"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly"
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific"
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man"
"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours"
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me"
"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy"
"Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did"
"Never have more children than you have car windows"
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"
"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor"
"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them"
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes"
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand"
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included"
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