Funny Quotes

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"

"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy"

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height"

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry"

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"

"Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did"

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing"

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well"

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them"

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand"

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included"

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country"

"Never have more children than you have car windows"

"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving"

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat"

"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets"

"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time"

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man"

"That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard"

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare"

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes"

"I think serial monogamy says it all"

"As I get older, I just prefer to knit"

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant"

"I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut"

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is"

"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"

"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass"