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Funny Quotes

FunnyWelcome to the world of funny quotes! Right here you will certainly discover a collection of hilarious as well as witty quotes that will make you laugh aloud. Whether you're seeking a good laugh or just require a pick-me-up, you'll discover something to brighten your day. From traditional one-liners to contemporary zingers, you'll locate something to make you grin. So relax from the mundane as well as appreciate some laid-back enjoyable!
Small: I am not afraid of death, I just dont want to be there when it happens
Woody Allen
"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens"
Woody Allen, Director
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Small: A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul
George Bernard Shaw
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul"
George Bernard Shaw, Dramatist
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Small: I failed to make the chess team because of my height
Woody Allen
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height"
Woody Allen, Director
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Small: Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before
Mae West
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before"
Mae West, Actress
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Small: My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings
"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings"
Jay London, Comedian
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Small: All men are equal before fish
Herbert Hoover
"All men are equal before fish"
Herbert Hoover, President
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Small: I havent spoken to my wife in years. I didnt want to interrupt her
Rodney Dangerfield
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her"
Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian
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Small: What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
W. Clement Stone, Businessman
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Small: Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes
Jim Carrey
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes"
Jim Carrey, Comedian
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Small: A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, At my age, I dont ev
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.""
Claude Pepper, Politician
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Small: Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"
Brooke Shields, Actress
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Small: Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy
Benjamin Franklin
"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy"
Benjamin Franklin, Politician
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Small: By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another mans, I mean
Mark Twain
"By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean"
Mark Twain, Author
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Small: I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries
Stephen King
"I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries"
Stephen King, Author
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Small: Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours
Ronald Reagan
"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours"
Ronald Reagan, President
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Small: Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot
Groucho Marx
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five
Groucho Marx
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member
Groucho Marx
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Never fight an inanimate object
P. J. O'Rourke
"Never fight an inanimate object"
P. J. O'Rourke, Journalist
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Small: Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely
P. J. O'Rourke
"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely"
P. J. O'Rourke, Journalist
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Small: Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly
P. J. O'Rourke
"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly"
P. J. O'Rourke, Journalist
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Small: A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live
Bob Hope
"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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Small: Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry
Bill Cosby
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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Small: A word to the wise aint necessary - its the stupid ones that need the advice
Bill Cosby
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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Small: Electricity is really just organized lightning
George Carlin
"Electricity is really just organized lightning"
George Carlin, Comedian
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Small: Weather forecast for tonight: dark
George Carlin
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark"
George Carlin, Comedian
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Small: I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church
"I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church"
Paul Lynde, Comedian
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Small: Im not a real movie star. Ive still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago
Will Rogers
"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago"
Will Rogers, Actor
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Small: My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them
Mitch Hedberg
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them"
Mitch Hedberg, Comedian
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Small: I bought some batteries, but they werent included
Steven Wright
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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Small: I intend to live forever. So far, so good
Steven Wright
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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Small: Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country
Steven Wright
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country"
Steven Wright, Comedian
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Small: I recorded my hair this morning, tonight Im watching the highlights
"I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights"
Jay London, Comedian
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Small: Be obscure clearly
E. B. White
"Be obscure clearly"
E. B. White, Writer
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Small: I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun"
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Actor
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Small: Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. Im afraid it did
Bette Davis
"Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did"
Bette Davis, Actress
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Small: Im undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair
Hillary Clinton
"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair"
Hillary Clinton, Politician
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Small: Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing
Robert Benchley
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
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Small: I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well
Robert Benchley
"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well"
Robert Benchley, Comedian
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Small: Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving
Erma Bombeck
"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving"
Erma Bombeck, Journalist
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