Funny Quotes


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"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
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"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"
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"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live"
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"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry"
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"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby"
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"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height"
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"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving"
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"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat"
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"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing"
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"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well"
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"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"
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"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely"
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"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly"
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"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
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"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific"
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"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man"
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"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours"
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"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare"
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"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is"
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"I intend to live forever. So far, so good"
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"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me"
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"Electricity is really just organized lightning"
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"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy"
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"Never have more children than you have car windows"
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"Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did"
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"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand"
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"Never fight an inanimate object"
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"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"
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"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor"
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"Never floss with a stranger"
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