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Funny Quotes

FunnyWelcome to the world of funny quotes! Right here you will certainly discover a collection of hilarious as well as witty quotes that will make you laugh aloud. Whether you're seeking a good laugh or just require a pick-me-up, you'll discover something to brighten your day. From traditional one-liners to contemporary zingers, you'll locate something to make you grin. So relax from the mundane as well as appreciate some laid-back enjoyable!
Small: A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul - George Bernard Shaw
George Bernard Shaw
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul"
George Bernard Shaw, Dramatist
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Small: Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy - Benjamin Franklin
Benjamin Franklin
"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy"
Benjamin Franklin, Politician
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Small: All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height - Casey Stengel
Casey Stengel
"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height"
Casey Stengel, Athlete
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Small: Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry - Bill Cosby
Bill Cosby
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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Small: A word to the wise aint necessary - its the stupid ones that need the advice - Bill Cosby
Bill Cosby
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"
Bill Cosby, Comedian
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Small: I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church - Paul Lynde
"I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church"
Paul Lynde, Comedian
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Small: Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot - Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five - Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. Im afraid it did - Bette Davis
Bette Davis
"Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did"
Bette Davis, Actress
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Small: Im not a real movie star. Ive still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago - Will Rogers
Will Rogers
"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago"
Will Rogers, Actor
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Small: I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member - Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member"
Groucho Marx, Comedian
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Small: I failed to make the chess team because of my height - Woody Allen
Woody Allen
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height"
Woody Allen, Director
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Small: I am not afraid of death, I just dont want to be there when it happens - Woody Allen
Woody Allen
"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens"
Woody Allen, Director
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Small: How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand - Emo Philips
Emo Philips
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand"
Emo Philips, Comedian
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Small: A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you dont have a top for it - Jerry Seinfeld
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it"
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian
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Small: Be obscure clearly - E. B. White
E. B. White
"Be obscure clearly"
E. B. White, Writer
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Small: A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live - Bob Hope
Bob Hope
"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live"
Bob Hope, Comedian
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Small: A nickel aint worth a dime anymore - Yogi Berra
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore"
Yogi Berra, Athlete
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Small: Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before - Mae West
Mae West
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before"
Mae West, Actress
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Small: Never fight an inanimate object - P. J. ORourke
P. J. O'Rourke
"Never fight an inanimate object"
P. J. O'Rourke, Journalist
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Small: Until you walk a mile in another mans moccasins you cant imagine the smell - Robert Byrne
Robert Byrne
"Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell"
Robert Byrne, Celebrity
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Small: Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely - P. J. ORourke
P. J. O'Rourke
"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely"
P. J. O'Rourke, Journalist
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Small: Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly - P. J. ORourke
P. J. O'Rourke
"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly"
P. J. O'Rourke, Journalist
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Small: If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets - Mel Brooks
"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets"
Mel Brooks, Comedian
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Small: My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. Shes ninety-seven now, and we dont know wh
Ellen DeGeneres
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is"
Ellen DeGeneres, Comedian
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Small: My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings - Jay London
"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings"
Jay London, Comedian
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Small: California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange - Fred Allen
"California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange"
Fred Allen, Comedian
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Small: When I go to a bar, I dont go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine - David Brenner
"When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine"
David Brenner, Comedian
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Small: My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? - Margaret Smith
Margaret Smith
"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?"
Margaret Smith, Comedian
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Small: A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, At my age, I dont ev
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.""
Claude Pepper, Politician
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Small: A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers - Kevin Nealon
Kevin Nealon
"A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers"
Kevin Nealon, Actor
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Small: Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life - Brooke Shields
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"
Brooke Shields, Actress
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Small: Im kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more - James Brown
"I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more"
James Brown, Musician
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Small: I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut - Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
"I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut"
Ellen DeGeneres, Comedian
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Small: I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long s
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three"
Elayne Boosler, Comedian
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Small: Roses are red, violets are blue, Im schizophrenic, and so am I - Oscar Levant
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I"
Oscar Levant, Composer
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Small: Ive never been married, but I tell people Im divorced so they wont think somethings wrong with me - Elayne Boo
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me"
Elayne Boosler, Comedian
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Small: As I get older, I just prefer to knit - Tracey Ullman
"As I get older, I just prefer to knit"
Tracey Ullman, Comedian
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Small: Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid - Hedy Lamarr
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid"
Hedy Lamarr, Actress
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Small: Dont forget Mothers Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dads Third Wife Day - Jay Leno
Jay Leno
"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day"
Jay Leno, Comedian
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